31st March 2016, 7 PM Singapore Time
I walked out of my corporate workplace for the final time after bidding farewell to my friends, colleagues and profession. I was moving out from what had been the major part of my life since 2007. As I took the taxi back to my apartment, the thought of not being with the wonderful people with whom I had formed some amazing bonds over the last nine years, made me sad in my heart. I had already started to get a feeling of exclusivity as I realized that I would not be having a job anymore especially when I was good at it. Yet, I wasn’t deterred from moving out or I would rather say, MOVING AHEAD with my plans. Because I knew that the things I was setting out to do, were not just mere plans. Those were my dreams; dreams that I felt really passionate about. The kind of dreams that gave me a stronger sense of purpose and direction in my life. I was going out there to travel places by myself, help people and communities, and live a new kind of life. This excitement was more overpowering than the sadness I had in me.
30th October, 1 PM India Time
I am volunteering at a lovely Ecostay, Art Gallery and Cafe in Goa, where I have become a part of yet another beautiful community of wonderful people from different parts of the world. I just completed with the transcript of my second book and handed it over to a friend for an honest ( possibly brutal ) feedback before I go ahead with the publication. I have had some of the best vegetarian food here during the three weeks of my stay. I have got addicted to the high intensity workouts every morning with Kennedy because I feel more fitter than I have felt since my college days. I have traveled through beautiful countries like Indonesia, Thailand and Cambodia, where I have had some unforgettable moments. These seven months have been really outstanding and I did achieve what I was looking for when I started out on this journey. Right?? WRONG!! While it is true with all the good things I have mentioned here already, there is a lot more on the other side of the coin. I am still searching for that stillness and inner peace that I was looking for. That sense of true happiness seems ever so elusive. I have mixed feeling of vulnerability, disappointment, hurt, contempt and dissatisfaction. And the amalgamation of all these emotions is making me feel directionless from within.
In such situations, questioning oneself becomes easy and natural. While I have never had any doubts or apprehensions about the purpose of my decisions, right now I am in need of some clarity. I have never asked myself cliched questions such as “Oh God, Why me?? “ or “Why does this happen to me always?”. Instead I have been asking myself:
“Why am I not happy? “
“What would make me happy?”
“Why do I feel vulnerable even though I try not to be?”
“What would it take for me to find my direction again?”
Asking these questions has made me realize a very important thing or two about vulnerability at least.
IT IS OKAY to feel vulnerable!!
Vulnerability is one of the emotions that make us humans in the first place. Even though being vulnerable has led to heartbreaks and emotional turmoil, which in turn has resulted in disappointments, I have made peace with the fact that this vulnerability is here to stay – for now. An even bigger and significant realization that occurred to me is that I need to TAKE A STEP BACK to get a hold of my purpose with which I had started off seven months back. This is what sometimes we all need to do as far as I can understand. There are bound to be times when things would go awry and south. When you are out on your journey towards something meaningful and significant, distractions are bound to come along the way. In those moments, it is very important to get back the motivation and for that you need not look beyond the reasons with which you had started off.
For me, right now I am going to take a step back. I don’t know when, where, how and what, but sometime soon there is going to be changes coming my way in the form of a halt or an unknown direction. I am not signing off in any way but till the time I get my purpose back there would be no certainty to my moves and whereabouts.